I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
