I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
