Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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