Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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