apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
