Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You were trust falling into bushes
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
