I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
accomplished twins. life is a go
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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