So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
