You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
