Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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