Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
