So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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