he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
