Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
