just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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