so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
