I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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