Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
