I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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