I am in a vortex of obligation.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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