i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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