Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
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she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
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I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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