I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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