1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The air taste purple.
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