I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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