so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
