i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
