I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
