Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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