We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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