i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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