u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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