Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
