you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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