Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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