i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
