I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
