Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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