He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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