What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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