I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
