There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
