I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
