she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
