I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Pants are for mortals
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
