No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
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Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
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I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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