On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
now i know why i became what i already was.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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