Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
