dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
