so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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