It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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