this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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