just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
