He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
